- Everyone: Why are you so sad all the time? Like you smile and seem happy but you're also so sad.
- Me: Because I'm fucking pathetic.
I have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that matches the feeling of the void and indifference that made it’s role of normality in my chest and mind. I feel completely empty, yet as a hollow vessel, I feel myself sinking in an ocean of nothingness. The darkness pulling, tugging and dragging me deeper and deeper to the bottom, to which has never been discovered nor believed to even exist. And as I’m making my descent into this sea, I’m reaching out to any limb to which can possibly save me but this is merely out of instinct because I know in my heart and mind there is no one or will ever be anyone to grab my hand and save me from drowning.
The deeper I seem to sink, the colder I feel. The darker it gets, the dimmer that glimmer of hope, that fills us all seems to get…
I just want to be on tour again. Try and forget all the things I get to leave behind when I set out for the road but still be reminded of everything when I play shows, reciting lyrics that I wrote about this town and everyone in it. I’m tired of being in one place. I need to be in a nomadic tribe of van driving bums like myself. I need to be on the road.
I hate posting about my depression. But I just feel like I need to put this out there. I’m not longing for anyone specific. I’m not heartbroken or anything that most people my age would be melodramatic about. Life is going well but I can’t help but feel helpless. I’m sleeping all the time because I just feel so exhausted and at night I can’t help but lay awake until 2 or 3 am. I’m drinking because it’s just something to do. It doesn’t numb anything like I was told. It just makes me face my own thoughts and fears even more so. Like of course my mom walking out on me and my family hurts and all but it also hurt when she was around to tell me to kill myself and played with this stupid disease that she passed onto me. I’m tired of being depressed. I should be happy but the damn chemical imbalance within my mind just keeps me from being happy. I wish I had someone to talk to or something but I don’t want to be a burden. I’m not contempt with being lonely but I just don’t want to put the weight of my mental illness and other neuroses on someone else. I wish I could love or be loved but that doesn’t look like that’s in the near future. I’m just tired of everything. But I know I have nothing else but just continue with breathing. The only thing I feel that is keeping me alive is the hope of finding someone who can eventually help me and understand and won’t get bored or won’t be scared off. All I can do is just take everything one day at a time…
I’m so pathetic. Why do I do this to myself?
I fucking hate mother’s day. I’m happy for all those for their mothers and junk but I just hate how my mom just decided to get up and leave my family after 5 years of her tormenting and picking at my past suicidal tendencies. Like a mom is supposed to be there and naturally want to be there to be supportive but what the fuck. I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t be spewing this on the internet, but maybe I should. I have nowhere else to talk about it and maybe in the near future I can look back and have this as a reminder or a something. I don’t know. I don’t expect anyone to read this anyways. It’s not like I have an insane number of followers. There’s my rant. Whatevs.